As I sat on the plane and flew back home after General Conference I found myself processing a wide range of emotions: confusion, anger, frustration, anxiety, bitter sadness, dissapointment, all along with sheer mental and physical exhaustion. I found myself overwhelmed by these emotions and more as I attempted to process the two week long race that had just been run.
As I sat in the car and drove back hom after Jurisdictional Conference I found myself processing another range of emotions, but ones that were much different from my first list: Joy, hope, inspiration, along with more mental and physical fatigue. However, the single feeling that overwhelemd all others was a simple feeling of peace.
It started as a peace I could feel in the soles of my feet, the relief that comes when finally sitting down after a week of walking around in dress shoes. It then began to grow and develop into a a peace I could feel in the soul of my spirit, of my every being. After weeks and months of my spirit navigating unexpected twists and turns, being hurt and broken, and sorting through conflict and turmoil of every kind, this peace began to provide a balm for my soul. A peace that passes all understanding. A peace that can mend and heal. A peace that quieted my heart and provided room to sit still and just be.
Although I physically left Tampa over three months ago, I've found that it has been difficult to really leave General Conference behind me. I keep replaying conversations I had, committees I watched, votes I cast, and speeches I made in an attempt to understand what impact I made on The United Methodist Church. Did I help make the Church sustainable? Did I hold the Church accountable? Did I make sure that my children and grandchildren will have a United Methodist church to grow up in and love? Did I help pave the way for young leaders who come after me? Did I leave the UMC better than I found it? All these questions have run through my mind day after day for the past three months as I searched for a seemingly unattainable peace. A peace that might answer some of these questions and leave me satisfied, ready to step back and jump fully into the day-to-day ministry which really makes an impact in the world.
As this peace has begun to overwhelm my soul, I've found that it has allowed me to finally leave. To leave behind the unaswered questions and worries of General Conference, to leave behind the struggles and heartbreak experienced in North Texas, to leave behind my heavy burdens and simply return home. Return home to a God that loves me no matter how many times I put on my suit and tie, no matter how many times I percieve myself to have fallen short, no matter what I decide to do with my life. A love without conditions or requirements, with no strings attached. And not only do I return home to the embrace of God's unconditional love, but I return home to this beautiful incarnation of God's love lived out in my friends and family called the Church, my Church. Whether I find myself at Rockwall, Richardson, or Buckingham on a Sunday morning or Wednesday night, I know that there will be an overwhelming group of people gathered to love and support me, lifting me up and pushing me back out into the world.
Now that I've begun to leave my burdens behind, this peace has allowed me to believe again. Believe in lay people who serve food to the hungry, believe in pastors who visit the sick in the hospital, believe in district superintendents who nurture and care for those entering the ministry, believe in bishops who bring not only healing and wholeness to the Church, but boldly lead it out into a hurting and broken world. This peace has allowed me to believe that, despite our grit and grime, The United Methodist Church has much to offer the world, that people will connect with the Church, my Church, and find a home where they might acquire this peace as well.
So as I wrap up from a busy year, pack my bags, and in a few short weeks move back out to school, to some sort of 'normal' schedule, I am reminded of the words of Jesus as he prepared to send out his disciples:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid. -John 14:27May you prepare to go, wherever it is God has called you, with the assurance that all may not be well, but all is at peace. May the peace of Christ overwhelm you from your soles to your soul, bringing you comfort, healing, and wholeness. Peace which enables you to lay your burdens aside and leave them far behind, diving head first into God's beautiful creation to serve the world, offering them the same peace Christ offer's each and every one of us. May you go with God.
